Passing By

I was sitting at a stop sign, on my way to purchase something i didn't need, when i saw her. She was sitting at the bus stop. She was beautiful. Not in your average everyday since of beautiful which has slowly bored me over the years. But beautiful, in a haggard sort of way. I was wearing sunglasses, to protect me from the sun, but now they were protecting me from being caught. Caught staring. I stared at her through the tinted frames, and began to analyze everything about her. Hopeful that my conclusion could justify her staring at me also.

She was waiting for a bus. Surely that means that she can't be to comfortable with where the road of life has taken her. I've done everything horribly wrong, with horrific consequences, and even i own a vehicle. My car isn't the nicest in the world, but it has it's charm. Maybe if she were to get in, and i carried her to wherever she was going she would be impressed. Finally after years of waiting for the bus, her knight in shining armor rode in on his Pontiac sunfire, and saved her from the humiliation of those bus windows. The ones that are extra large, so people in cars can laugh at those who are not. We would laugh at my cd player. Even though it was installed years ago, it still advertises it on the display. IPOD ACCESSIBLE, DOLBY SOUND, it flashes over and over again. We would playfully, fumble with the controls, skipping song after song, until the laughter subsided. After that happened we would analyze each touch of our hands as they gently bumped into eachother. I think she would like that. I think she would like a guy with a car who can take her places. A guy who she could depend on. A guy with an advertising radio.

Her long blond hair was resting on sunburned shoulders. Those burns indicate she doesn't belong here, like me. I wonder how she ended up here. Every outsider to this island has a story. Some are more interesting than others. But they all mean something to the person who tells them. I've heard happy ones, but mostly sad ones. The sad ones give me comfort. I have a sad one. I don't usually fit in, and being a part of the "sad story" club makes me calm. It makes me feel a part of a team. I wonder what her story is? In my head i pray for a sad one. I want her story to be extremely sad, but not as sad as mine. I think that if I were to pull over and talk to her, eventually the story would come out. I would look sympathetic to her, and when the time was right i would tell my story. She would become so involved in my story that hers would seem trivial. She would then applaud me for appearing so sympathetic to her story while mine was so much more tragic. We would connect on this. Our sad stories would resonate in our minds. We would look at each other as an answer to the question everyone on this island carry's with them. Why am i still here? I think she would like that. I think she would like a guy as sad as her. A guy who didn't quite fit in. A guy who only wanted to fit in with her.

Tonight

I'm sitting in a vacuum. Everything is being violently ripped into my direction. All sense of normalcy are being ripped from the average's mouth, and mutated into my consciousness. I steal their energy and make it my own. They look at me, expecting something, they can expect nothing less. I've become the event. I've stolen it from the owner. The owner is giving me the night. I don't know what to do with it, so i lie. I lie about horrible things. Until they are no longer looking at my appearance. I don't belong here, so i will make them feel like they don't belong here. The average's pine for more. I become placated. I sit there proud of what I've done. I drink more. I look at the owner. The owner is satisfied. The owner is relieved to take some of the tension from themselves. I can't stop. I know i should stop. But i can't. It's too far. They expect this now. I will destroy everything. I tell myself i will destroy everything. But all i destroy is what i am. It isn't what I am, but it is what the averages think i am. And perception is reality. They turn on me. They must be aware of what i've done. They are always aware of what I've done. Everyone is aware but me. All i can be aware of is the room. And pleasing them. The average's. When they turn on me it is violent. It is too strong to resist. Even those who can see the puppet show i am putting on mock the puppets. The puppets have been playing for so long now they become heavier and heavier. One day they will be released, but for now, i have to carry them. The weight of the puppets, is nothing compared to the weight of the average's. I give them an enemy. I give them a mirror. They shatter that mirror. Everytime. I pick the pieces up, and reconstruct the mirror, but it just gets shattered more and more. When they turn on me it hurts. But it's what i want. They have to hurt me, it is my purpose. The puppets are to be booed. Because they can never be cheered. The night is over now, and the owner walks me to the door. I wish to apologize, but i don't. It wouldn't make sense. The lion never apologized to the gazzelle. It is in it's nature.

I would never fuck my own mother

Sitting at home one lonely night, I decided it would be easier to sleep if i were to jerk myself off. Now since Amanda left i have been slowly falling a perverted well of watching anal sex, and facial cumshots online. I seem to be becoming desensitized to conventional forms of sex, and thus it is becoming increasingly hard to quietly shoot my load while hoping my little brothers hearing isn't so good. I have discovered that jerking off with a male roommate is extremely nerve racking. While touching myself with Amanda in the other room, I always had some sort of sick delusional fantasy that she would walk in to discover me masturbating, and be so shocked at how big my penis looks in my hands as opposed to hers that she could not live any longer without finishing me off. She would then kneel before the computer chair and proceed to gobble down my massive pecker. In reality, if Amanda ever caught me masturbating she would have been relieved that I had finally taken some initiative in our relationship and took care of one of the various "chores" that our relationship provided her. Also our oral sex never involved her "gobbling down my massive pecker," it would usually entail her pretending that she could not fit the whole thing in her mouth, while watching whatever was on television. One day in highschool, one of my pubic hairs became lodged in the back of her throat creating a sort of gagging sound. After telling her I was quite proud that my penis could cause those sort of sounds to come out of a woman, I was forced to listen to the most obviously fake gag sounds you could ever hear, for the next seven years. It is hard to stay in the moment when the woman you love sounds like she is a retarded carnival worker learning arabic. Now, if Joey caught me masturbating, i strangely assume the same scenario with the gobbling down the cock would happen.

So because I am having so much difficulty jerking off to normal porno, i find myself late at night searching for disgusting acts of degradation that I can pull my lever too. Some of the things i have been watching on the internet have really made me question weather i am a good person. I am going to need to stop a rape of a fifteen year old or something just to make up for the "sexual karma" I am accumulating on my Thursday nights online.

Tonight while searching the web, i discovered a video entitled "A family friend catches me jerking off, she then helps." Now at this time i was not entirely hard, so i decided i would "warm up" with this video and search for something racist to finish too. Listen, nothing is more erotic to me than the "n" word. And this, I am extremely sorry for. So after pulling up the video i discovered that the video was actually a mother blowing her own son. The whole time they kept talking about how "mommy shouldn't do this" or "after you cum, you have to clean your room." Now after realizing what i was watching i decided that this was disgusting and i need to find another page, at least that is what my mind was thinking, my penis was actually quite intrigued with the plot line of this film. That is when my mind said, "listen Elliot, you are a highly evolved human being, and this sort of debauchery isn't what you are going to blow your load too."

After blowing my load to the mother son video, i found myself feeling dirty. Usually after i masturbate i feel dirty, but that is because i just spent the last forty five seconds looking at myself with my shirt off. Anybody would feel dirty having to see that. But this time it was different. I assume that at some time while watching this video, my own mother had to pop into my head at some point right? I mean that is only natural, the mind makes associations. So I have learned that even my own mother isn't taboo in my masturbating life. Which is a very big part of my life lately. I can't have my mother poking around my sexual fantasies. Here comes the nurse to give me a sponge bath, and wait, is that my own mother in the next room listening in? I am legitimately concerned that I have opened up a sort of Pandora's Box of masturbating. I allowed one mother into my masturbating mind, whose to say more mothers won't pop up. And when i am masturbating to a random mother, than subconsciously i must be masturbating to my mother. Masturbating was the only thing i was ever any good at, the only thing to ever bring me any joy in life, and I may have ruined it. Trust me, my mother isn't somebody you want over for dinner, let alone, critiquing your stroke. "Why do you stroke like that, your father used to stroke like that and it never satisfied me. I would never have raised you the way i did, if i knew your stroke was that off balance. Look at her face, she isn't enjoying that. Your fucking is just like when you played little league. You could have been great, but you were too lazy. And this poor girl is suffering because you are lazy. You are disappointing her just like you disappointed your mother by never graduation college" My God, what have i done. My penis feels less than soft right now. It looks one of those apples after being left in the garbage can. All brown and shriveled. I think I am going to try to masturbate to some gay porno, just to get my mind off of this. I think a a male not related to me, is better than my own mother. Now if I was masturbating to my father, I would have some real issues.

This one chick at gamestop

Having the next couple days off i decide to head over to the local gamestop to puchase a new video game for me to waste my life playing.

Now, as soon as i arrive the first thing i notice is the woman working the counter. This woman, is no woman at all, she is a monster. She had to weigh, at least 600 pounds, after starving herself for three days. She's covered in disgusting tattoo's. Tattoo's that look like they are just dying to get off this body full of processed meats and peanut butter. One tattoo was a crying clown, and i am not entirely sure it was crying the day that it was drawn on her. but after years of wanting to kill himself, all the clown could muster were a few tears. Her mouth was full of piercings. Not your everyday sexy girl piercings, but strange pieces of metal. Metal i am not sure where it came from. It looked dirty and jagged. I have heard, that women get mouth and tongue piercings to help stimulate a man during oral sex, but this mouth i was staring at was never meant to come in contact with a human man's penis. Perhaps the male equivalent to whatever species this chick was, comes equipped with protection from such a frightening orifice. She had horrible acne, all over her face and body. Acne that was clearly not pus, but little ounces of her self esteem and overall happiness bubbling to the top of her skin, before being popped out ever so slowly onto a mirror, which i'm sure she hasn't been able to look at since clinton was in office.

Now at first i was apprehensive, i was scared to approach this thing. I wasn't sure if she could be dangerous. But the little chinese kid working next to her, was clearly over matched by her sheer girth. He and I both knew there was no way he would possible be able to reach the cash register. So i picked up my copy of halo wars, and slowly approached the counter...

Putting on my best smile, i engaged the animal in small talk, hoping to show that i did not mean harm. We talked about different things, things that weren't interesting, things that i now know probably saved my life. But my darkest fears were realized when the conversation started taking a flirty tone. The beast was showing emotion. It had learned from all the years of mimicking humans, and was starting to actually feel real emotion.

Our flirtation continued for a couple minutes. We talked about how i was new to the island, and how she had lived here for 28 years, all the while i was fiddling around my pockets trying to make my phone ring so i could have an easy exit away from this monstrosity. However, once she offered me a free copy of a magazine things took a unique turn.

"here, take this game informer, it has a cool article about the console wars," the titantic said.

"oh, I already have that one, " I lied, not wanting the monster to think i owe her anything.

"Just take it," she said, "leave one in the bathroom, that's what i do."

Once she said this, she must have known from the look in my face, that i was now envisioning her going number two while reading game informer. I cannot describe the look on my face, as i was not privy to it. I assume it was similar to the people of hiroshima, the day they were taken forever. That was the fear, but there was also rage. I was angry she would make me see that. Also confusion, as i was not entirely sure where this abomination shat out of. Maybe the rectum, but who knows when you are dealing with wildlife such as this.

As i stare at her, speechless, she blushed. Her cheeks got red, the zits on her cheeks got redder. Maroon if you will. She turned around to grab the bag, and lingered there for a while. She was fearful to look at my face again. It was during this moment, that something came over me. I've been in love once, and this felt similar. My pants became tighter as an erection slowly formed under my boxers. I felt powerful. I had made this monster sad, and i wanted to take it back. I couldn't be cruel. My humanity wouldn't allow me. My humanity was saying take care of this creature. It meant you no harm, yet you destroyed it, with a single look. My humanity made me want to tell that little Chinese kid to get lost, and bang the beejesus out of loch ness right there.

But i didn't, i simply took my bag once she finally gave it to me, turned around and walked away. I opened the door to gamestop, and the hot Hawaiian air hit my skin. I rolled my shirt sleeve up to look at my body, because after interacting with that human, i could be the real monster.